Pooh Sun Tzu

1:37pm: Boo.
Journal moved a -long- time ago to: guardianalpha

2:24pm: last post
I am an Intellectual



Which America Hating Minority Are You?

Take More Robert & Tim Quizzes
Watch Robert & Tim Cartoons

9:40am: volatile - random poem today
Crumbling walls of mistress void.
Destruction of construction in the way I see someone multitasking an egocentrical function.
Balance the aim of the world.
Discover the shadows within the light itself.
Fight to feel alive just to taste death long enough to know the difference between a casket and a couch.
Take my obsessions.
I don't need that shit.

12:29am: ( wishlist that jessikuh wanted me to make )

4:46am: It is time to start following my own advice..
And begin listening to the advice of those I trust and believe in.

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Frodo: "I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened."

Gandalf: "So do all who live to see such times but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us. "


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Sam: "I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo, the ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were. 'Cause sometimes you didn't want to know the end because how could the end be happy? How can the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end it's only a passing thing. A shadow even darkness must pass. A new day will come and when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you, that meant something even if you were to small to understand why. But I think Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folks in those stories had lots of chances in turning back only they didn't. They kept going because they were holding onto to something."

Frodo: "What are we holding onto, Sam?"

Sam: "That there's some good left in this world, Mr. Frodo, and it's worth fighting for."

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Frodo: "It's a pity Bilbo didn't kill him when he had the chance!"

Gandalf: "Pity? It was pity that stayed Bilbo's hand! Many that live deserve death and many that die deserves life. Can you give it to them? Then do not be to quick to deal out death in judgement for, even the very wise cannot see all ends."

2:34am: Watched Eternal Sunshine for the Spotless Mind with kuh, and enjoyed it quite a bit. However, we were both so paranoid of somehow being erased from one another's memories that we took some extra time after the movie to just drive around randomly and enjoy each other's company.

So, we both made a blood oath to post in our journals how much in love we are, just in case we ever forget one another so we can look back on it and remebmer.

Notes:

1. I love Jessica kuh because she is very intelligent, witty, kind, and patient.
2. She has long hair, and you love that.
3. She has a very cute smile and adorable bodily motions when she gets excited about things.
4. Date her.

4:43am: more FFXI obsession
Don't ask why I can't overcome this obsession. And to be honest, I don't want to.

More photographs of my warrior, who is now level 11:
Just casually resting to regain HP

When I hit level 11, I overhauled on all of my equipment. Changed into Scale mail chest, arms, legs, boots, and gauntlets (that's right, it isn't just one armor for a player look, each peice is customizable) and a brand new bad ass sword and shield.

Another shot showing off my new armor, shield, and sword

However, I grew a bit tired of playing a warrior. Because you see, my hometown was a castle, literally, and thus I always felt like I had a strong sense of duty to go save the world. That can grow rather tiring, so I felt I needed a slight change... I introduce to you, Bophoi! He is a Taru, of the class Blackmage, wearing the default attire a blackmage starts with (and yes, they are INCREDIBLY short even as adults. He literally only comes up to about my other char's knees, so running around and interacting with the world is entirley different :)

Resting up to regain some Magic points after casting stone on some bees

Waving hello!

In my new armor! I purchased new leggings, shoes, a new robe, a new staff, and a pointy hat! Waving hello again

And for everyone who wants to see more of this game that has ruined my freetime:

The Homepage of Final Fantasy XI online

7:09pm: sad day
I have wronged kuh so deeply that I can not forgive myself. Although the event itself was in the past that does not mean it can not still hurt others, and the value of total and complete honesty is a lesson I've learned far too late. I've hurt her, and that is something I never wanted to do. She's in a class of women far above my own standard, and because of this I am ashamed of myself and my past actions.

Apology after apology, comfort after reassurance can not fully heal a heart's damage. It would seem fear coupled with confusion is a deadly mix when it comes to emotions. I have asked forgiveness and she has granted me another chance, but oh what I would do to simply simply see that smile I love so much. Her light has gone out, and I shed tears even now because I know it is my fault. If only I could show her that I can be trusted, loved, and am worth her time then things may be better.

Jessica, I am sorry. I am a fool for having ever hurt you, and can not express in words the anger I have towards myself for it. I can only hope time will help bring back your glowing smile and adorable laughter, because that is the spark of my life. You are what makes me me, because my heart has become so in love with your own that your happiness is my own. Whatever needs to be done, for however long, know that I am willing to do so to ensure your happiness and our future relationship.

8:33am: obsession day
Nothing to report besides the fact that I purchased Final Fantasy XI, a game I have been trying to stay away from for some time now. And to answer the questions coming from everyone: No, I no longer have any sort of life beyond my computer chair now. It's gone. It doesn't exist.

My character: Therion, of Elvaan race (similar to elves, but much more bad ass), under the class of warriors.

Default armor for a Elvaan warrior, just relaxing in the armor shop
New sword, but otherwise just a 'pose' picture
Fighting a fish-like monster
Fighting a goblin that was going fishing (yes, fishing)
Trying on my new leather chest-jacket.
Trying on my new leather pants and boots. A good shot too.
Trying on my new leather gloves, wooden shield, leather headband, and posing in front of the Parade center of the castle, at dawn

I need sleep. God do I need sleep.

2:02am:

Hunger Comfort Hygiene Energy Fun Social Bladder Room Patience

Reach for the lasers with Antic's Sims-ulator!

12:34am: accomplished day, thoughtless night
Shards of a crystal left long ago from a time remembered only by those who kept the secret. Multicolored kittens dancing across grasses far greener than lucky charms. Reminiscant of similiar kinds of instances spawned not by enjoyable times, but instead through milk cartons blanked from the "Have you seen my child lately?"

Disposable feelings shared by hexigonal keychains, the littlest of whispers will get you caught. Embrace the pitiful silence that pounds away at funerals and threatens to envelope the unmoving mind. One day for two days is three days times four. Pound in deeper the nails of a coffin, but mistake it for ego and then label it emo. Where has the time gone?

11:03pm: merely 'a day'
I've found a landscape that mirrors almost perfectly where I would like to live. Found beside a gorgeous ocean, a mysterious forest, playful rivers, breathtaking mountains, and hidden waterfalls.

Olympic National Park, in Washington State. Sadly, it is a National Park and thus I'm not too sure how kindly they would take to "citizen turned Ranger". None of the above images are paintings, mind you. That kind of place, atmosphere, and feeling is where I want to live. Ah, to be a Ranger in the olden days, bow in hand, cloak on my back.

I should take up archery, except I'll be so dissapointed about how they've turned it into a "new age sport" that it will dishearten me. Hmph.

5:48pm: happy day
Today Jessica and I got back together. Decided that we were both miserable alone and want to attempt and work things out. I hope all goes well, and I look foward to spending time with her in this upcoming week her parents are gone. LAN parties, movies, etc.

<3s to kuh!!

3:25am: awake day
It's late, and work is in seven hours. I'm wide awake.

Things have been good lately, good but odd. There is happiness in confusion, so I suppose that's a fine thing. I recently cut my hair and beard down to decent levels, and have posted a photograph for people to see. The top needs to grow out to it's normal length of about an inch (maybe a bit less), I need to shave my neck, and get some rest.

Nothing else really, just here.

note, if you click the image and get an error, that's not supposed to happen. comment and let me know if it happens

My photo

Thought I would also show off my sake set that kuh bought for me.

sake set

12:48am: Phone Post:

VoicePost 56K 0:15

“I like to have sex with Ninjas.” Transcribed by: kuh

10:19pm: Phone Post:

VoicePost 634K 3:00

“WISH ME A HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” Transcribed by: kuh

2:54am: Phone Post:

VoicePost 401K 1:57

“hello uh i decided id try and do a..hold up im going outside..yeah it's kinda by the road so *car drives by* you might hear cars. yeah, anyway i thought i would register for a paid account and try out the phone posting. oh here comes a van. there goes the van, here it goes! there goes the van. and try it out. so people could see what i sound like. i am standing outside, walking over to my garden, its actually not a garden, it's just... i dont know, that was a dog? uh..its..land..anyway..its its kinda our backside yard and im watering to make it green again so its not going to be dumb looking. standing out here with a nice cup of sake in my hand, happily enjoying it. ah! its wet out here. anyways, id like to say, hey there goes another car!, like to say hello to my homies. hello homies. uh uh i love you kuh, hello candace, hello ohh ok. hey its pretty nice out here. yeah i usually come outside and camp outside because its a lot of fun and i hate being inside. yeah, anyways hah that hurt, i stepped on something. its my birthday on sunday, ill be 21. and i dont really celebrate my birthday because i dont think the concept of time is very important. yeah, anyways, ok, i dont really have anything else to say so im going to let you go. BYYEEEE.” Transcribed by: sinisterfeeling

3:58am: sunrise day
I purchased a song from an artist I love (yes, one song, that is possible in this day and age) to not only show my support for his work, but to do One Good Thing today.

I've always enjoyed the work of Aphex Twin, and somehow it is a tie to what I once Used To Be. This song in particular represented not only the saddness in which my life existed Way Back When, but the little light that was the basis of hope which could never be extinguished. I remember it fondly, both the feelings and song, the laughter and strife. Should I keep missing What Once Was, or continue to stand still.

I am not depressed, at least not as one would think normally. It is a cold realisation that my life has been altered in ways that do not mirror my past. It is a balance of saddness and hope, saddness to miss them and hope to see them perhaps, just perhaps... again sometime in the future.

I would like to offer the mp3 here for others to download as well. He offers it freely on his website, and I offer it freely here as well. Enjoy...

Nanou 2 - Aphex Twin on the Drukqs album, cd2

1:12am: ...myself?
I see myself as someone that has the heart to be a hero, the patience to be a guider and aid to those in need, the courage to stand against all odds for a cause or idea I believe in. I have many faults that bring pain to myself and others because of who I am.

I want to be happy, but instead I find myself failing.... over... and over... and over again.

I want it to end.

8:30pm: cloudy day
Why does my life feel so out of synch lately? Is it because I have so much I want to do that is on my path to do, but I am not persuing it, or because I am once again forcing a hand in life.

There are things I want to do but do not, for various reasons. I may as well list them here for the sake of getting all of this out:

- I want to move out of this bachelor house that I share with four other guys. No longer can I stand their attitudes, behaviours, uncleanliness, and overall frustration. I want to move in with kuh or someone else who shares similar ideas, beliefs, and habits. I'm done with 25+ year olds acting like they are 16 and living with their mothers.

- My computer needs to go, because of how it constrains my life. I seem to be good at certain things on it, yet being good at them means I sacrafice the openness and livlihood of the rest of me. On the inside I am done with the internet and computers. On the outside I know people need my help still, and that is why I stay.

- I want to explore, to go outside. I want to go camping, spend time alone and with kuh. I want to go do instead of not do.

- I want to clean my room, but find I am far too depressed to clean my room. The same applies for the entire house, that which since I am the only one to ever clean, is a disaster.

- Half of my room could be destroyed in a fire and I would be a happier person. I need to start just chucking materialistic things, because they most usually mean -nothing- to me.

- I want, no.. I need friends. Not just internet friends, but real life friends. I know that makes it sound like I can't get them, but that's the truth here. Too few people where I live share my views or honor, honesty, and respect.


I am dying because there is nothing to feed the fire which keeps me going. The 'Leo' inside of me has no reason to roar, because no one is listening. My claws have nothing to sharpen themselves on and thus are dulled. My very being is lifeless because of lack of life around me. The ways are in front of me, and I know they are there. But I can not take that step foward...

1:26am: awkward day
I don't know how to explain it. Today just feels awkward. On another note, Michael Moore's 9/11 movie went much better than I expected. Instead of continual facts(?) being preached, he actually had a plethora of interviews and news clips in which Bush and his administrators (read: worshipers) hung themselves.

Well worth it.

( I rarely do these, but find them enjoyable )

11:25am: selfnote:
Since my room is in need of life, it is merely time to break down and buy adequate peices to complete the harmony of it.

( These are the things I had in mind: )

10:16am: Sad yet thoughtful day
"True understanding of happiness means a true understanding of sadness" - Paul

To be happy with yourself is to be at peace with who you are. Acceptance of the good and bad within your personality and actions marks self understanding in one of the rarest forms. Yet what is it when there is no happiness in what lay beyond?

Your city. Your home. Your old carpet and the cluttered rooms. The weather.

I would have thought inner peace would quench the inner thirst of happiness, and that harmony would follow with and through all aspects of life. And yet, I wonder...

Does inner peace come not just from inside, but from that which surrounds you? Not that it matters, really. None of these questions or thoughts matter, because I do not understand them.

Time will tell, and my questions will be answered without me chasing down useless thoughts.

4:05am: proud day
My recent work towards a slackware ten dropline gnome livecd has skyrocketed.

I've found a state of harmony and peace by becoming emerged within the project, and my talent has been able to peek through. It's nearing it's first public release, and some how... it's already being mentioned literally around the world.. while not even two weeks old. I'm very happy, and proud of myself. For it's been so long since I have put my mind into something and kept at it.

My project website: http://www.thetao.org


My project being mentioned:

http://www.linux.org.ru/view-message.jsp?msgid=595686

translated:
The Tao - one additional loading linux-cd. On the assertions of developers, its basic difference from hundred of others live-cd in the fact that for each task in distributive of eating only one program. Judging by everything project it promises to be very interesting. In the composition: - dropline gnome - epiphany & thunderbird - alsa & oss - apache, openssl/ssh - java, flash player 7 (interestingly how they be going to solve problems with the licensing in the last point?) there is skrinshot: http://24.2.94.94/Screenshot.png Details.


submitted by someone else to distrowatch
http://distrowatch.hostcentral.net.au/links


I am merely happy to be -doing- something, no matter who may hear of the path in which I walk.

12:54pm: Proud day
Yesterday quite a few things happened that made it welcoming to be alive. I was approved for a credit card at CompUSA (a computer store), which is amazing becaus it's been a year and a half since I applied there the first time (when I had just moved to Utah). Being eighteen I was of course promptly declined due to lack of credit. However, I was approved this time and for a rather large amount.

My work and confusion through this past two years of learning how bills work, cards work, and monthly payments account towards better credit.. have payed off. I know it seems small to others, but to me I am very proud with how far I have come. I have -credit-.

To which, I promptly celebrated at CompUSA by purchasing a Nvidia GeForce FX 5900 SE with 128 megs of DDR RAM (computer video card).

Here are a few screenshots a Demo created by Nvidia, a farie that dances and moves to music, to show what the card can accomplish:

Screenshot one
Screenshot two
Screenshot three
Screenshot four
Screenshot five